dreaming with a broken heart

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING POST HAS NO COLOR WHATSOEVER.

i really don't know anything anymore.

i honestly thought a few months ago that i knew everything.

that my life was set and complete.

that i had no where to go but up.

and now?

i definitely have no where to go but up.

because i've hit rock bottom.

i'm not looking for a pity party, but this is my only way to get my feelings out.

why to you?

i don't know.

just 'cause.

i guess i am looking for a little love and support, but is that so bad?

i need it.

I really don't even know what to say because, well, i just don't.

i have so many thoughts and feelings running around my head.

i'm so confused.

i'm so heartbroken.

i'm so lost.

and i'm so sick.

literally.

i have had some sort of sinus crud for about 2 weeks now. after an all day coughing attack yesterday, i decided to head to navarre urgent care. found out that i have sinusitis , which basically comes from not taking care of my allergies, and i'm sure that crying for 2 weeks straight hasn't helped. so $160 worth of meds later, here i am, trying to cope with my sickness that unfortunately can't be cured from a few pills, my broken heart.

i've been dreaming with a broken heart, and waking up is definitely the hardest part.

he's gone. gone. gone. gone. gone.

[thanks j.mayer]

i feel like i've lost apart of me. nothing is the same anymore. and i hate it. it's only been less than a week, and i thought that i was ready to surround myself with friends. i was wrong. i tried to hang out with some friends and "have a good time" but all i could think about was him. is it always going to be like this? if so, i think i'd rather die. i'm trying to move on... i really am. but the second i feel a little better, i go right back to where i started.

nothing about this break up feels right. i honestly feel like outside forces bashed down on our relationship and we cracked under pressure. a part of me says there is still hope for a future, the other half tells me i'm in denial.

my head vs. my heart.

which am i supposed to listen to?

lady gaga says dreams.

"Some women choose to follow men and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you're wondering which way to go, remember that a career will never wake up and tell you it doesn't love you anymore."

most women read this and think "how true!"

but.

all i can think, is that a career will never wake up and tell you that they love you either.

what has happened to me? i used to be this anti kids and marriage gal, who depended on the attention of others and the number of facebook friends she had to get her by...

...but now that i've "tasted" life in a different way, i don't want it any other way.

a friend asked me just last night,

"don't you want to be single? it's so much fun and easier."

you want to know what i said without a thought?

i've been single my whole life.

and while surrounded by people and friends, online and off...

i always felt a little bit alone.

i'm ready to share my life with someone.

better to be loved and lost, than to never been loved at all???

not sure.

you can't miss something if you never had it right?

well...

that is what i felt about love.

i had never had it, so i was never worried about it. but now that i've had it, i almost wish that i had never had it...

almost.

that is pretty much where i am now.

definitely not better, but i guess not any worse either.

but speaking of dreams and careers.

you all know that i've had quite a difficult time finding a job, let alone a career... well, thank goodness for all those fantastic friends i keep mentioning, because one of them in nashville, tennessee, named miss virginia tharpe,(soon to be cochran... ahhhh!) sent me a little facebook message about a week ago about a "long haul" internship (as in start as an intern and then hop on board) position at the PR firm she works at. well, i sent in my cover letter and resume, and now i have a slight taste of a future. sort of like the little sample spoon of ice cream you get at baskin robbins taste, but still a taste.

translation... i have a phone interview on monday. so i really need to kick this crud so i don't sound like sneezy, from snow white, on the phone. so everyone cross your fingers, arms, toes and legs for me. this would seriously be the BEST thing that could happen to me right now... I WOULD MAKE THE BEST INTERN EVER.

no one would work harder or learn more than me.

NOBODY.

here's to the future.

wish me luck.

bye bye.

p.s. you never read my blog, but if you stumble upon this. i miss you.